Tag Archives: Abuse

What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About: Fifteen Writers Break The Silence. Edited by Michele Filgate

What My Mother and I Don't Talk About Title: What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About: Fifteen Writers Break The Silence
Edited by Michele Filgate
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
ISBN: 978-1982107345
Genre: Essays
Pages: 288
Source: Publisher
Rating: 4 stars

Relationships are complex. Most relationships are not easy to navigate around. I think the one we share with our parents is most difficult. I have always had a problem expressing what I feel to my parents. I think it just stemmed from the fact that we do not speak enough or try to make ourselves heard enough. This has nothing to do with love not being there, or not being brought up in a healthy environment (at least in my case). It is just that we have not learned how to communicate with them. Perhaps that needs to change and maybe it will. Only time and effort can tell, to be honest.

What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About is a compilation of essays by fifteen writers, edited by Michele Filgate. As the title suggests it is about breaking the silence. It is about talking to our mothers about what matters or has mattered the most. The collection starts with Michele’s essay about being abused by her stepfather. This took her almost more than a decade to write about and then to think how it would affect her relationship with her mother. This in turn encouraged her to reach out to other writers and see how they look at their relationships with their mothers.

The collection see-saws from one extreme to another – while some writers are extremely close to their mothers, some are estranged beyond repair. It is the question of also mothers being first homes as we make our way into the world and a support system for most. The one whose validation we seek the most and the one with whom we also fight the most. This collection is solid and comes from a diverse selection of writers and what they do not talk about: family, love, abuse, secrets, expectations, and disappointments to say the least.

My favourite pieces from the book were the ones written by Alexander Chee (about his sexual abuse and his not being able to fit in at school at the same time), Michele Filgate (as I mentioned it is about abuse by her stepfather), Brandon Taylor, (most heart wrenching according to me about how he wish he could’ve understood his mother better), and Nayomi Munaweera (she speaks about her mother’s borderline personality disorder).

Regret, estrangement, the universal feeling of love and pain are the running themes in this book. There is a common trait that we all identify and relate with: That of lack of communication. How sometimes mothers don’t listen and how we don’t say what we must. But not all of the essays stem out of pain. Some are funny (rare) and some are just looking at their mothers differently – a new perspective and realising themselves in the process, which I think we must all look at.

Reading an essay or a collection of essays such as these is so intimate that it physically hurts you. It makes you see yourself as a person and whether or not you have evolved in relation to your mother. What is the basis of your relationship with her, beside the fact that she gave birth to you? What it actually means to get closure when you need it the most? What it does to you to take the step and speak out loud? What would it then do to your other relationships, once you cross this barrier with your mother and try and face the concealed truth? We all go through this. We have all been there. This book if anything speaks to all of us and will for sure make you sit up and perhaps call your mother.

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The Words Hurt: Helping Children Cope With Verbal Abuse by Chris Loftis, Illustrations by Catharine Gallagher

the-words-hurt-by-chris-loftis Title: The Words Hurt: Helping Children Cope with Verbal Abuse
Author: Chris Loftis
Illustrated By: Catharine Gallagher
Publisher: New Horizon Press
ISBN: 978-0882821320
Genre: Children’s Books
Pages: 45
Source: Personal Copy
Rating: 5 Stars

This was the fourth book which I read as a part of the “Story Cure” reading project and was moved by it, nonetheless. It was a book suggested by Ella Berthoud and Susan Elderkin as a part of their book “The Story Cure” regarding abuse of children. This one deals with verbal abuse and how to control it and thereby understand your child’s needs in a more evolved manner.

The book’s plot (for lack of a better word) is simple – it is centered on a child and the verbal abuse he receives from his father who is going through a tough time. This is a primer for parents on how to understand your children and not vent your frustration at them.

I think there need to be more of such books to help parents learn how to behave with children. Abuse, more so verbal is often ignored. In fact, in India it is even encouraged in most families – the adage – spare the rod, spoil the child is so regressive that it needs to be banned in my opinion. But I am happy that there are such books out there that make an attempt to bridge the gap between kids and parents and more so for parents to realize their actions.

I know I am sounding preachy but there is no other way to do this. I think verbal abuse is so sensitive an issue that it needs to be looked at more often than just ignored. The Words Hurt by Chris Loftis is a simple and beautiful example of what needs to be done with some lovely illustrations by Catharine Gallagher. Do pick it up.